Ouch! The final nail in my broken heart.

by Jason Tan

It was devastating news. I knew it would happen one day. But not so soon.

It has been only a year and a half since we said goodbye. How could she say yes to someone so quickly?

The night when it all ended -Aug 5, 1998- she had cried herself hoarse. Yes, it was all my fault.

We met the following week, to divide the money in our bank account and to take back our photos. She looked like a complete stranger. And a complete wreck. She had cut her hair short, something she said she would rather die than do because it made her look stupid. And then there were her swollen eyes. Eyes so pregnant with blame, they torched my heart.

From that moment, I knew we could never be back together. I could never face her again. When she left, there was a man waiting for her. She held his hands, probably to spite me. Fine, I said. By all means, you could rebound into a relationship days after we split for all I cared.

The truth is, deep down, I cared.

We called each other a few times after that. Call it mutual post break-up therapy, if you wish. We exchanged a few polite "How are you?" greetings. For the first time in four years, we were formal to each other. No more "hi dear" or "bye dear".

It was bizarre. Yet it never escaped me that we were done for good. Ours was like a mirror shattered to a thousand pieces, the damage complete.

Soon, we lost touch. I wouldn't know whether she missed me. But I thought of her a lot. Like when I drove. When I hit the bed each night. And when I travelled alone. I used to cry. But not anymore. And then it happened.

Last month, I went back to camp and met a former campmate who's her insurance agent. She's engaged, he told me matter-of-factly. My heart ran riot. There, amidst my noisy campmates, I tried to shut out of the shattering truth. But I couldn't. It was the final in the coffin. It was coming sooner or later. Ah, might as well make it sooner.

I asked the messenger: "When did they get engaged? When do they plan to get married?" He had no answer. But really, what difference would the answers make? I still won't be gracious enough to say she deserves a better man. Neither will I be crazy enough to ask her for another chance. Knowing her, it's pointless. I no longer have a place in her heart. Whether I cry or die, her life goes on as usual - unaffected.

Five minutes after the news broke, I was still numb. My heart was lost. My mind was blank. My soul was confused. Cry? Nah, no point. There comes a time when you've been so hurt, crying wont make you feel better. Scream? Nah, who cares? Hide? What for?

I have to move on. I have to accept the painful truth, tuck it under my pillow and live my life.

So I allowed myself to be upset for just a day. I thought of our happy moments, our crazy short trips, and how we used to read Cleo magazine cuddled together. I thought of her laughter, her smile and her wit. I missed her for one last time.

And then slowly I came to grips with the fact that she's now sharing her life with someone else. That the dreams we once built together were just that - dreams. That right now, she's building more beautiful dreams with her new man.

Slowly, the pain drifted away. And soon it would hurt no more. No matter how devastating it once was.